


A Man I'll Never Be

by Mintey



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Ace!Harry, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexual!Harry, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-26 10:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3847903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mintey/pseuds/Mintey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are some things that Harry can't give Eggsy.</p><p>(Or, the one where Harry’s asexuality has ruined all of his past relationships, and he can’t bear the inevitable pain of it happening with Eggsy too).</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Man I'll Never Be

**Author's Note:**

> For [Taylor](http://harryhqrt.tumblr.com) <3

Harry is sitting in the dining room, signing off his approval for Gawain's latest mission, when he hears the pounding of footsteps coming up the staircase down the hall. He closes the file folder with a sigh, then sits back in his chair and waits. As if on cue, the double doors burst open and in strides Eggsy Unwin.

"Ever heard of knocking?"

Eggsy just grins. He saunters over to Harry, and grabbing him by the tie, kisses him firmly on the lips. "Thought I'd surprise you."

The kiss is quick, just a press of lips before being gone again, but it makes Harry's cheeks heat up and his heart pound. If there is one thing Harry has learned from dating Eggsy, it's how affectionate the young man truly is, although each and every small gesture never ceases to fill him with adoration. 

When Eggsy relinquishes his hold on Harry's tie to flop lazily into the adjacent chair, Harry smooths it back down into place and picks up the folder from underneath Gawain's file, pretending the kiss hadn't affected him. He places it in front of Eggsy and says, "Nice try. It still doesn't exempt you from having to write a mission report, Galahad."

There's a small smirk on Eggsy's face, one that Harry can't help but return with a small smile of his own. "Not even if I give you another kiss?"

Harry attempts to school his face into seriousness. "Not even if you give me another kiss."

"Really, Harry? Wouldn't you rather have more time to spend with me than have to wait around while I fill this out?"

Eggsy adopts a look similar to the one JB gives when he sits pleadingly at Harry's feet, hoping that today will be the day Harry finally slips him a slice of bacon. Harry feels his resolve starting to slip a little, and he can see that Eggsy sees that. Rules are rules, though, so he takes one of the pens lying beside his placeholder and slides it over to Eggsy in unspoken response.

Groaning, Eggsy grabs the file. "I see how it is,  _Arthur_ ," he says, standing up. He leans over and pecks Harry lightly on the cheek, letting him know the words were only in jest. Eggsy tucks the folder under his arm and makes his way towards the door. Before leaving, he turns around and asks, "You planning on working late?"

"Unfortunately so," Harry says. "Percival seems to have gotten in a bit of a dispute with the Americans, and jurisdiction needs to be negotiated between their branch and ours before the mission can resume." 

"Sounds like a blast."

Harry nods, pulling out his phone to request Merlin's presence in the shop. He can see Eggsy still standing in the door frame. "Yes, Eggsy?"

"So listen, I was thinking..."

"Heavens, not that," says Harry. Harry glances up from the small screen to study Eggsy, who is rubbing at the back of his neck. Eggsy sounds almost nervous, a feeling Eggsy never seems to experience, or at least never lets on. He puts his phone down and gives Eggsy his full attention.

"Clear your schedule for the weekend. Have Merlin be on call or something. I want to have some time, just the two of us."

Harry shifts in his seat. He knows where this is leading, what "just the two of us" probably entails. He should tell Eggsy, before the younger man gets too attached, before things get too far and this relationship ends up just like all the others - with two broken hearts and Harry all alone, wondering if he'll ever find anyone who can accept him for who he is.

"Harry?"

Harry draws himself away from his thoughts and focuses his attention on Eggsy again. He raises an eyebrow, lets Eggsy know he heard him.

"Clear your schedule, or I'll have Merlin do it for you."

With that, Eggsy saunters out the door. He gives Harry a quick wave from the hallway, and then he's gone, leaving the doors wide open in his wake, much to Harry's irritation. Luckily, it's hardly a moment before Merlin is standing in his place, waiting patiently in the doorway for permission to enter.

"Merlin, you really needn't do that with me."

"As you wish, sir," says Merlin cheekily.

Harry glares at him.

Merlin steps further into the room and says, "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, about Gawain," he begins, pulling open his files and pointing towards the screen disguised as a mirror. He runs Merlin through his main concerns of the mission, gives Merlin the processing papers for the equipment required, and hands over a file of the details for Gawain's cover. "See to it that he gets those, please."

"Will do."

Merlin is gathering up the papers that have been spread over the conference table, so Harry takes the opportunity to do as Eggsy asked, hoping his friend doesn't dwell too much on the details of his personal life. "One other request.  Would you be available to oversee operations for the weekend? Eggsy seems to have something planned."

"Romantic weekend?" asks Merlin, not missing a beat.

"Of sorts, I suppose."

For a long moment, the only sound in the room is the shuffle of papers being straightened into a neat pile and the quick resounding tap as Merlin evens them out on the table. "Does he know?"

Harry remains silent, and that's all the answer Merlin needs. He straightens up, papers neatly gathered in hand, and asks, "When are you going to tell him?"

Looking down at his hands folded neatly on his place setting, Harry bites his lip. "There hasn't been occasion to mention it."

That earns him a raised eyebrow. Harry knows he has had plenty of opportunities to tell Eggsy, but each and every time he found himself shying away, hoping that if Eggsy didn't know about him that he could hold onto their relationship for that much longer. Thing have been perfect so far, so why ruin it with this one tiny - alright, one  _massive_ \- detail? They only just started dating six months ago. They deserved to be happy for just a little more time.

Merlin sighs, and takes a seat in Percival's chair. "Harry, you need to tell him. You owe it to the lad, and if not to him, then yourself. You can't just keep lying to him like this - it's not fair to either of you."

"What if he ends it, just like all the others?"

"Then it just wasn't meant to be."

Harry stays quiet, thinking over Merlin's words of advice. He clears his throat and says, "This time it's different." He leans forward in his seat, fiddles nervously with the cap of his pen. "Merlin, I love him."

They sit in silence, Merlin with sympathy written all over his face, and Harry thinking of something to say while trying, but failing, not to think of just how happy Eggsy makes him.

"If you really do love him, you ought to tell him," Merlin says, finally. He stands up and pushes the chair back into place. "And if he truly loves you, I'm sure he'll understand." Harry isn't so sure about that. Merlin must see the doubt written all over his face, because he puts a comforting hand on Harry's shoulder. "I've seen the way the boy looks at you, Harry. If the two of you can't work things out, then there really is no hope for the rest of us."

 

* * *

 

 

Eggsy is busy cleaning the chicken for dinner in the kitchen when he hears Harry come in through the front door. He tightens his grip on the knife in his hand, just in case, but resumes his trimming soon after Harry calls out, "Eggsy?"

"In the kitchen."

Harry makes his way into the kitchen, sans coat and suit jacket, and immediately reaches for the cabinet with the glasses. Eggsy's back is turned to Harry, but he can hear the older man rummaging around for what he assumes is gin. Having been using it for the recipe, the gin is on the counter next to Eggsy, so he holds the bottle out wordlessly to Harry.

"Eggsy, have you seen the- Oh." Harry takes the bottle from Eggsy. "Thank you."

Harry finishes making his martini, takes a drink, and places it on the counter. Eggsy feels arms wrap around him from behind followed by the press of Harry's sturdy body against his. He rests his chin on Eggsy's shoulder, watching him as he cooks for a moment. Eggsy watches him out of the corner of his eye, follows the way Harry alternates between studying Eggsy's face and watching him cook. Eventually, Harry withdraws from his position and reclaims his martini.

"How long until dinner is ready, Chef Unwin?" he asks, sipping at the drink.

"Bout a half-hour or so," says Eggsy. "Just gotta bake the birds."

This earns a chuckle from Harry, and Eggsy grins. He grabs a pair of oven mitts and slips the pan into the oven before setting the timer - he doesn't want to burn dinner like he has thousands of times before. No, this weekend needs to be perfect, starting with tonight. It's Friday night, and even though Eggsy is certain Harry hasn't ever experienced the true joy of a Friday night in twenty years, if ever, he's determined to make the evening a night to remember for his boyfriend.

"If that's the case, I'm going to have a shower."

"Yeah, go shower, you smell rank Harry," Eggsy says teasingly, giving Harry a light shove as he passes.

Eggsy watches Harry disappear up the stairs. He can hear the faint sound of hangars being moved and the shower being turned on. He's left alone in his thoughts, which are mostly filled with sentiments such as  _how did I get so lucky_  and  _what did I do to deserve him_. Eggsy finds himself smiling as he thinks of his boyfriend. 

In the past, Eggsy hadn't ever stuck around anyone long enough to call them his boyfriend. The ones that had stuck around ended up being dumb assholes only interested in an extended friends-with-benefits situation, minus the friends bit. Which, that's great and all, but not what Eggsy is looking for. He wants to come home to someone each night, get into fights about whose turn it is to do the dishes, wake up freezing in the middle of the night to find that someone has stolen all the blankets and remedy it by snuggling close and sharing body heat. Basically, what he wants is what he has now with Harry.

The only thing is now that Eggsy has all that with Harry, he doesn't have the "benefits" part. Sex, he's talking about sex. The farthest he's ever gone with Harry wasn't even on any of their dates, or in their bed, or on the couch, or anywhere any normal human being would be enjoying time with their partner. No, it was on a mission, and only because they'd been seconds from having their covers blown. Harry had grabbed him by the lapels of his suit jacket and nearly snogged Eggsy's face off, only to pull back and say, "We're clear. They've passed us."

Needless to say, Eggsy's a bit confused by it all. He's checked off every possible reason why him and Harry haven't jumped into bed yet: Insecure? Harry's got enough confidence for the two of them, not that Eggsy needs any extra. Lack of skills? Clearly not, based on said life-or-death kissing experience. Age gap? Eggsy has reassured Harry on this numerous times, but he thinks the older man has it drilled into his head by now that Eggsy doesn't mind and isn't going anywhere.

Thus, Eggsy has arrived at a single conclusion: Harry is waiting for Eggsy to make the first move. There's logic to support it, seeing as Eggsy had been the one to ask Harry out in the first place (although only after several weeks of reassurances from Merlin and exasperated pleas from Roxy to  _just ask him out already and save the rest of us from you two looking at each other like lovesick puppies all day_ ).

So, Eggsy has devised a plan. This weekend he is going to do everything right. He is going to make Harry dinner, pull out all the stops, and finally take a step in the right direction - towards the bedroom, that is.

The timer goes off and Eggsy sets aside his thoughts for the time being to concentrate on taking the chicken out of the oven and not singeing his fingers. He's just setting the pan down when he hears Harry coming back down the stairs.

"Perfect timing," says Harry, catching sight of Eggsy preparing their plates, "Shall I grab us a bottle of wine?"

"That'd be great, thanks."

Harry returns a moment later with two glasses and a bottle of wine. Eggsy sits down at the table while Harry pours them both a glass and sets the bottle on the table. Lifting his wine glass, Eggsy says, "To us, yeah?"

"To us," echoes Harry, touching their glasses together with a small clink. 

Dinner goes splendidly, in Eggsy's humble opinion - he hadn't burned the chicken after all, and it turned out pretty decent for a random recipe off the internet. Conversation was flowing, and Harry seemed happy to engage, unlike some nights when he came home clearly worn down from the stress of being the new Arthur. Instead, they talked animatedly, and Harry didn't even put up a fuss when Eggsy eagerly suggested moving to the couch to watch some crap horror film. 

Eggsy secretly thinks Harry has grown fond of the sub-genre, because the man is fully invested in what is happening on screen. Eggsy's attention, however, is solely focused on Harry himself. He watches the other man fondly, and rubs his foot against Harry's. Harry turns his attention from the television momentarily to look at where Eggsy's bare skin is touching Harry's socked feet, before flitting his eyes up to meet Eggsy's gaze. 

Harry returns his attention to the action of the film, but Eggsy crawls over and snuggles up next to Harry's body. Still invested in the film, Harry distractedly places an arm around Eggsy's shoulders. The light of the screen is illuminating Harry's face and casting patterns on the walls of the darkened room, and Eggsy decides to just go for it. He stretches up and kisses Harry straight on the lips.

For a moment, nothing happens - Eggsy's lips just sit on Harry's, and things start to get awkward quickly when neither makes a further move. Taking Harry's lack of response for hesitancy, Eggsy begins to kiss Harry more actively, fitting their mouths together and gently tonguing at Harry's closed lips. 

Of course, that's when Harry pulls back.

"Eggsy-"

"Shh, Harry, just let me..." Eggsy kisses him again, and this time he can feel Harry reluctantly kissing back. It's incredibly clumsy and not as enjoyable as their mission in Prague. He continues to try and encourage Harry, who just slides his hand down Eggsy's back and holds him a little tighter in lieu of heating things up any further. "Let's take this upstairs," Eggsy says in between kisses. "Want you to fuck me, Harry."

He feels Harry's hands moving from his back to his chest, but instead of clutching at Eggsy's shirt like he had been expecting, they're pushing at his chest, sending Eggsy tumbling out of Harry's lap and onto the floor.

Eggsy is about to laugh it off, make some joke about Harry being far too eager to get upstairs, except Harry is neither moving towards the staircase, nor does he look eager. All excitement is gone from Eggsy when he catches sight of Harry's rigid posture.

Harry is sitting upright on the couch now, feet planted firmly on the ground, with his hand gripping the arm of the couch. He isn't meeting Eggsy's eyes. Instead, he's staring fixedly at the ground as he says evenly, "I think you should go."

"Harry," starts Eggsy, but when Harry's eyes snap to his own, the words are lost in his throat and he quickly shuts his mouth. As he slowly stands up, Eggsy finds himself wondering where things went wrong. He knows he misread the situation, but he has no idea what he did or said to make Harry close off so quickly. "Yeah," he says, "Yeah. I'll just go and-" He jerks a thumb towards the staircase. "Go and pack a bag. Stay at my mum's."

The silence is deafening, and Eggsy trudges towards the staircase, hoping that if he goes slow enough, Harry will say something.  _Anything_. He doesn't.

Eggsy is at the foot of the stairs now, but he can still see Harry sitting uncomfortably on the couch. "Look I just-" This time Harry doesn't turn at the sound of his voice, and Eggsy tries not to let that get him down. "Whatever it was, I'm sorry, Harry."

Harry gives a jerky nod.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or nothing," he says. "Can I..." Eggsy let's out a shaky breath. "Can I ask what's wrong?" Harry doesn't answer. "This isn't you getting them flashbacks again, is it?"

"This isn't going to work out, Eggsy."

"What do you mean?" asks Eggsy. Confusion floods through him at Harry's words. He stares at Harry in disbelief. "Harry, are you breaking up with me?"

"I... yes. I think that would be best."

Eggsy has no idea what made Harry come to this sudden conclusion. The man clearly isn't in the mood to talk, though, and Eggsy doesn't know what to say. All that's left to do is for Eggsy to go upstairs and pack a bag. He doesn't even take notice of what he throws into his black duffle bag, the one he usually only uses for going on missions. He stumbles back down the stairs in a hurry and pauses as he passes the living room.

"I'll send Roxy to get the rest of my things tomorrow." He braces a hand against the wall and takes a deep breath before saying, "Please just tell me why, Harry."

"I shouldn't have led you on. I should have told you earlier, Merlin told me no less than a hundred times-"

Eggsy cuts Harry off with a, "Hold the fuck up," which effectively stops Harry's sudden rush of words in their tracks. "You ain't making any sense," says Eggsy. 

Harry is standing now, making his way over to where Eggsy is standing frozen in the hallway. Eggsy drops his bag at the foot of the stairs and takes a step to where Harry has moved to. Harry opens his mouth, looks like he's about to say something. His expression is pained, as if the conversation is slowly killing him.

"You must know that I do love you, Eggsy."

"Have you gone mental? First you tell me we're breaking up and then you tell me you bloody  _love_ me?"

Harry at least has the decency to look ashamed now. Eggsy isn't finished though, just keeps on plowing through. He hears the pattering of JB's footsteps down the stairs - he must have woken up from his nap at Eggsy's shouting.

"Fuck you, Harry!" Eggsy finds himself yelling, angered by Harry's sudden tender words. JB winds around the two men's legs, yapping excitedly and adding to the commotion. "If you love me, why can't we just be together? We can fix this!" Eggsy gently grabs Harry's face in his hands. His next words come out a pained whisper. "Just tell me what I did wrong and we can fix this," he pleads.

"I don't want to sleep with you. Not now, not ever."

"That's it?" Eggsy asks. Harry looks startled and a bit saddened by Eggsy's response. "This isn't you having another one of your, 'You're so young, and I'm so old,' moments, is it?"

Harry's lips twitch into the faintest hint of a smile, only to be replaced by a frown. "No."

"Is there someone else?"

"No, I would never-"

"What then? You don't find me attractive or something?"

Harry withdraws from Eggsy's hold and pinches the bridge of his nose. "No," he says resignedly. 

"Harry, do I have to tie you to a chair and interrogate you? Just fucking tell me already."

"I'm asexual."

"You're what now?" asks Eggsy. 

"Asexual," Harry says. Discomfort is written all over his features and Eggsy thinks he's about to completely shut down again, but he continues speaking. "As in, sex holds no appeal to me."

"So, where does that leave us, then?"

"In the past, I've just killed the lot of them," jokes Harry weakly. Eggsy doesn't see the humor in the matter. Sensing this, Harry gives a deep sigh and says, "Where do you want it to leave us?"

"I sure as hell ain't breaking up with you, that's for sure," Eggsy says. He brushes past Harry and marches over to the couch, and sits himself down stubbornly, crossing his arms for added affect. "This is it then? That's why you just tried to kick me out a few minutes ago? Just 'cos you think I'm gonna ditch you over whether or not we have sex?"

"Usually it does tend to be a deal-breaker," says Harry. He sits down on the opposite end of the couch from Eggsy. The movie is still playing, and Eggsy lets himself be distracted by the blonde woman screaming in terror on the screen.

"We can try though, can't we? I mean, you ain't kicking me out still, are you?"

"That depends," Harry says, and he sounds so timid, so small. Eggsy doesn't like it. He would rather Harry go back to yelling at him, or sarcastically snarking back with a clever retort. "Are you sure this is what you want? I won't ever -  _can't_ ever - give you that, Eggsy. You can't 'fix' me."

"Good, because I happen to like you just how you are."

"Eggsy," Harry begins to protest.

"I only just got you back, I ain't about to lose you again. Can we just try?"

Harry looks Eggsy straight in the eyes, gaze unwavering as he asks, "Are you absolutely sure this is what you want?"

"Never been more sure of anything in my life."

Despite Eggsy's reassurances, and end to their apparent almost-breakup, Harry still looks on edge, and Eggsy moves in to cuddle him before stopping himself. "Wait, so, kissing and cuddling and all that-"

"I quite enjoy that, actually," says Harry, giving Eggsy a knowing smirk. He shifts on the couch to make room for Eggsy, and in a flash Eggsy is across the couch and draped over Harry's lower body, his head tucked under Harry's chin. Eggsy maneuvers himself to look up into Harry's face. His once-again boyfriend appears more relaxed now, gazing down to meet Eggsy's eyes with a soft smile.

"Does this mean I can unpack my bag now?"

Harry says, "No," and for a brief moment Eggsy is sure his heart stops, until Harry continues, "Because first we're going to finish this horrible excuse for a movie, and I, for one, am not going to be made to suffer through it alone."

Eggsy laughs and snuggles closer to Harry. "Good," he says. "Because I really didn't pack, I just kind of shoved stuff into a bag. I think I might have found that shirt Merlin was asking about a few months ago, too."

Harry joins Eggsy in his laughter, and Eggsy can't help but think it's the most beautiful sound he's ever heard. That, and the quietly whispered, "I love you," that Harry whispers to Eggsy when he thinks Eggsy has fallen asleep during the course of the film. He feels Harry lifting him up, bridal style - he is  _so_ going to tease Harry about that tomorrow - and carrying him to their bedroom. Harry gently deposits Eggsy on the bed and pulls the blankets over him before climbing in as well. 

Eggsy turns over to face Harry directly. He can just make out Harry's face in the darkness of the room with what little moonlight is streaming through the windows, and he can see the glint of Harry's eyes as he watches him silently.

"I love you too, Harry."

 

* * *

 

 

Harry wakes up slowly the next morning to the sun shining brightly on his face. He realizes that between their fight and carrying Eggsy to bed, he had forgotten to close the blackout curtains, but he can't be bothered to care much when he sees the golden light illuminating Eggsy's still-sleeping form. The younger man is curled up tightly to Harry's chest. He snuffles slightly and burrows deeper into the pillow.

Harry allows himself a moment to just simply watch Eggsy, taking note of the steady rise and fall of his chest and the dark brown of his eyelashes as they flutter ever-so-slightly on his pale cheeks. Then, moving carefully so as not to disturb the peaceful picture that Eggsy paints, Harry dislodges himself from Eggsy's grip and gets up from the bed. 

Seeing that it's still early, he leaves his dressing gown on its hook by the door and heads down the stairs in only his pants, socks, and t-shirt. After everything that had happened last night, Harry wants to make up for his behavior and to repay Eggsy for the amazing dinner. Harry makes his way into the kitchen, and sets to work gathering ingredients.

JB's paws patter on the tile as he finds his way into the kitchen as well - the pug has an uncanny sense for whenever someone opens the fridge. Harry would even venture to call it a talent. He absentmindedly pats JB on the head and takes out some eggs, butter, and bacon from the fridge. JB gives a quick bark and Harry shushes him, not wanting wake Eggsy up.

Harry begins to cook, and JB sits blessedly silent at Harry's feet. He almost trips over the pug once, forgetting the dog's presence, but JB doesn't seem too offended. He just seems interested in the sizzling of bacon in the pan. 

"You know what?" says Harry. 

JB perks up at the sound of Harry's voice and tilts his head.

"I think it's high time you get a slice after all."  Harry waits for the bacon to cool slightly before breaking it in half and offering it to JB. The dog watches him suspiciously for a second, but only a second and no longer. JB messily eats the half-slice from Harry's hand before greedily taking the other half.

"You spoiling my dog now?"

Eggsy's voice startles Harry and he nearly tips over from his squatting position. Harry shoots Eggsy an apologetic look but Eggsy just smiles and waves him off.

"How did you sleep?" asks Harry. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Best I've slept in a while," Eggsy says. He leans against the counter and watches Harry cook, much like Harry had been doing the night before. "Since, you know, I have it on good accord that my boyfriend ain't planning on breaking up with me anytime soon and all."

"Is that so?"

Eggsy hums happily. He pushes off the counter and moves to stand next to Harry. Inching into Harry's space, more gradually than the way he used to before leaning in for a kiss, Eggsy waits for Harry to close the space between them before fully kissing his boyfriend. He withdraws barely, still only millimeters from Harry's face, so that his lips are still ghosting across Harry's as he says, "Is this alright?"

"More than alright," says Harry. He kisses Eggsy again. "I have it on good accord that my boyfriend isn't planning on breaking up with me."

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr at [eggsyunwinhart](http://eggsyunwinhart.tumblr.com)!
> 
> Please correct me on any mistakes - I tried to keep things as in-character and asexually accurate as possible, but I know next to nothing about the later, so again, please don't hesitate to let me know!


End file.
